I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
