Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
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I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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