a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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