Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
