Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
