i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
