You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
