If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
