i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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