my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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