how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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