I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
