You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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