I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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