You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
