Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
