Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Houston, we have a blender
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
