I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
