Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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