every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
