First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
