just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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