hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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