i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
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He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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