the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
