rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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