She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
