It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
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Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
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She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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