You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize