If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
