how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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