i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
