I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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