party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
