THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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