Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
