he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
