I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
