I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
