Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize