I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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