hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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