the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
