you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
