I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
