I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
