I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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