We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
