I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
