i want to swaddle you in tequila
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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