true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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