You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
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You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
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I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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