I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
