Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
