i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
