I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
